Day 1526: Sweep Out All the Ruins that My Emotions Left

Title Taken from the Song: You'll Think of Me by Keith Urban
Mood: Numb

I woke up today and didn't feel the love I have felt for you in years.
The constant love that was there for 5 years was missing.
I was thinking of you but I wasn't feeling anything.
You are just a mere thought now. 
Is this what I've been praying for?
A breakthrough?

I had experienced something similar to this in the past.
But i knew I was deluding myself then because it hurts just thinking that I didn't love you anymore

Because I knew I was lying.
At that time,  my mind was trying to convince my heart 

and yet my heart was slowly shaking its head 

and asking my mind:

"Why are you feeding me these lies? I still miss him intensely. I still crave.  I still long for him. I am just deeply hurt and so I am numbing myself to not feel things intensely."

But it is different today.

I don't feel the usual love I have felt in years.
I saw your picture and it just felt like looking at somebody i knew.
Not necessarily the person I was mad and crazy about.
I was still thinking about you and us
But I didn't miss you 

I didn't long for you
It doesn't hurt for some reason when I think about you taking advantage of my dependability
It doesn't hurt when I think of you avoiding me
It doesn't hurt when I think of how stupid I have been
It doesn't hurt thinking that I might not see you anymore
It doesn't hurt thinking that I won't get to spend the rest of my life with you
It doesn't hurt thinking that you've chosen someone else you feel you're responsible for
It doesn't hurt thinking that all these regular thinking of you are just habitual.

It doesn't hurt thinking that you didn't really love me. 

Somehow,  I am feeling you right now.
And I don't really know what's going on in your mind
But somehow I don't feel the need to be involved in it anymore
I am glad that it doesn't hurt to walk away
And that I am not affected by how you feel in this moment.
I don't feel bitter anymore that I would need to delete thoughts of you or anything that reminds me of you.
I used to think that if there was a machine that could delete memories I'd delete memories of you
But now,  it is okay to keep your memories
Because I don't feel anything
You are just a mere thought now.

I don't need closure from you. 

Maybe someday. 

But right now, my mind and my heart are having this closure talk right now. 

And that's enough for me

I don't feel the need to say everything to you.
Experiencing everything for 5 years was enough and I have given my best self to you

And yes, I got tired. I got demotivated.  I got depressed
But, after these feelings comes a certain death
And I am welcoming this feeling of not feeling anything for you anymore.

Maybe you'll never get over me.
Because a part of you will always look for the things I've been to you 

and you said yourself how can another compare? 
And yes,  I've given you the best i could be. Everything you'd miss really hard. 
And in the past I'd cry over not being appreciated
I'd cry over not being loved the way I wanted you to love me

But now, it's okay.  I know you'll think of me and you'd miss me like hell.
But my devotion has run its course whereas you're still think and remember me
But I have no expectations anymore.
Someday, maybe we'll get to talk

But by then, you'd have lost me

And it will be your lifelong regret to have lost the one person who's always been there for you

Unconditionally. Unfailingly. Unquestionably.