Day 330: Some Things Are Meant To Be

Mood:    Calm and yet heartbroken pangs starting once again...

Title taken from the Song:   Can't Help Falling in Love by Ingrid Michaelson

"Why is it so hard for us to say goodbye to each other?"

You asked me this question as we tried to tell each other Goodbye

and it took us an hour to stand there waiting for each other to leave the place.

I just stared at you as I feel the magnetic pull

I have this vision that we should just run away as fast we can

So we wont have to give in to this unexplainable urge to stay

You told me about your issues with the one you're with

You walked away from her and now you're mulling on things

I advised you to STAY, no matter what happens

Always STAY in the room and work things out

So, isn't it ironic that you are here.

Staying. 

When you should go. 

You led me to a an old place

and gave me a hug

and smelled my hair.

I swore I heard you say those three little words somewhere

but then that's my delusional mind thinking.

I was proud of myself because I pulled away

I knew that somewhere in your heart, you are not sure what you were doing

Still, there are things you won't say

You talked about your issues but I feel like there is something else you wanted to say

When I told you I will leave this place eventually

I saw your sad eyes. 

I could see tears forming

Quietly, you said "I'm going to miss you."

and you smiled in a very sad way. 

You finally answered: 

"We can't let it each other go because we can never be together

and thus, we are on borrowed time."

I wanted to cry when I heard that. 

Because I feel like you are now experiencing the struggles I've underwent in the past

I told you to LET IT GO. 

ACCEPT things as they are

I wanted to tell you this, but I held back:

"I may love you but since it can't be...

then what am I supposed to do? 

Pine for you until I rot?

I have to be happy with or without you.

It doesn't mean my feelings will go away."

I had to go or else I might give in 

to your puppy-look requesting for a kiss I can not engage in. 

I pressed my lips onto yours really hard 

while my hands held your face

and I ran away as fast as I could.

Day 318: If it's a broken heart then face it

Mood:  Heartbroken and Confused

Title Taken from the Song: Details in the Fabric by Jason Mraz

I have been okay for quite some time. 

I made a lot of friends

the people, my family, the events and 

the busy-ness of the daily ins and outs of my life had kept me afloat.

I still think of you.

I still miss you. 

and there were times when I would miss you like this: like I can't breathe

and tears would pool in the corner of my eyes

because the emotions would overwhelm me 

and the memories would just flood in. 

two weeks ago, i gave you a token

it was nothing because i gave a lot of people the same token

the only difference is, i gave you two and i gave them one each

why?

it's just simple: you're my favorite amongst the crowd of people in my life

no matter how many people i try to socialize with

they can not replace the simple, tender friendship we had.

a week ago, you started messaging me.

daily. everyday. 

i was surprised at first. 

i welcomed the act and i thought that this is just nothing. 

it's nice to be friends again. 

but then, i started expecting your daily dose of "hi and hello"s

and i started to feel the same ol' frustration creeping in

i started to feel heartbroken over your not responding to something i said

i started to feel sad if by the end of the day i don't get any messages from you. 

i realized i had to meditate

i had to stop it

without ruining the flow of how nice this daily messaging has become

because, even though i don't get to see you anymore, 

even though i don't get to hang out with you anymore, 

you can still get to me

you still have me at hello. 

and it's so darn easy for you to break my hard-earned peace of mind. 

how can i let you go?