Day 1526: Sweep Out All the Ruins that My Emotions Left

Title Taken from the Song: You'll Think of Me by Keith Urban
Mood: Numb

I woke up today and didn't feel the love I have felt for you in years.
The constant love that was there for 5 years was missing.
I was thinking of you but I wasn't feeling anything.
You are just a mere thought now. 
Is this what I've been praying for?
A breakthrough?

I had experienced something similar to this in the past.
But i knew I was deluding myself then because it hurts just thinking that I didn't love you anymore

Because I knew I was lying.
At that time,  my mind was trying to convince my heart 

and yet my heart was slowly shaking its head 

and asking my mind:

"Why are you feeding me these lies? I still miss him intensely. I still crave.  I still long for him. I am just deeply hurt and so I am numbing myself to not feel things intensely."

But it is different today.

I don't feel the usual love I have felt in years.
I saw your picture and it just felt like looking at somebody i knew.
Not necessarily the person I was mad and crazy about.
I was still thinking about you and us
But I didn't miss you 

I didn't long for you
It doesn't hurt for some reason when I think about you taking advantage of my dependability
It doesn't hurt when I think of you avoiding me
It doesn't hurt when I think of how stupid I have been
It doesn't hurt thinking that I might not see you anymore
It doesn't hurt thinking that I won't get to spend the rest of my life with you
It doesn't hurt thinking that you've chosen someone else you feel you're responsible for
It doesn't hurt thinking that all these regular thinking of you are just habitual.

It doesn't hurt thinking that you didn't really love me. 

Somehow,  I am feeling you right now.
And I don't really know what's going on in your mind
But somehow I don't feel the need to be involved in it anymore
I am glad that it doesn't hurt to walk away
And that I am not affected by how you feel in this moment.
I don't feel bitter anymore that I would need to delete thoughts of you or anything that reminds me of you.
I used to think that if there was a machine that could delete memories I'd delete memories of you
But now,  it is okay to keep your memories
Because I don't feel anything
You are just a mere thought now.

I don't need closure from you. 

Maybe someday. 

But right now, my mind and my heart are having this closure talk right now. 

And that's enough for me

I don't feel the need to say everything to you.
Experiencing everything for 5 years was enough and I have given my best self to you

And yes, I got tired. I got demotivated.  I got depressed
But, after these feelings comes a certain death
And I am welcoming this feeling of not feeling anything for you anymore.

Maybe you'll never get over me.
Because a part of you will always look for the things I've been to you 

and you said yourself how can another compare? 
And yes,  I've given you the best i could be. Everything you'd miss really hard. 
And in the past I'd cry over not being appreciated
I'd cry over not being loved the way I wanted you to love me

But now, it's okay.  I know you'll think of me and you'd miss me like hell.
But my devotion has run its course whereas you're still think and remember me
But I have no expectations anymore.
Someday, maybe we'll get to talk

But by then, you'd have lost me

And it will be your lifelong regret to have lost the one person who's always been there for you

Unconditionally. Unfailingly. Unquestionably. 

Day 1507: I Won't Let You Close Enough to Hurt Me

Title Taken from the Song: Turning Tables by Adele

Mood: Angry

You keep using the same reason

That "it's better this way. less people hurt."

But you can't use that card anymore

You've been using the same reasoning every time you disappear

If that were your reason, then just shut up and just go away

Leave me be

This is the 7th time you've disappeared.

You've started using that reason 5 years ago.

And you've been using it every year things fall apart

The irony is i offered you genuine friendship

and you come near me with another intention

you tease me until i let my heart drop

then you disappear.

You'd use the same lines.

And I'd be silent, not sharing my thoughts. my pain. my anger

I never asked you to stay.

And I let you be.

It's not as if I am chasing after you. Not as if I am begging you.

Why do you keep coming back?

Every damn time?

What twisted mind do you have that you get a kick out of hurting me?

Are you happy to see me hurt?

You must be ecstatic.

Don't give me that sh*t.

If that were your reason, then go away

Shut up and leave me be

Not as if I couldn't survive

I would have been alright with just few scars to my name

I would have survived drifting through with just thoughts of you now and then

Why is it that this reasoning is not important anymore when you need something from me?

When you need companionship.

When you need someone to listen to you

When you need someone to be there for you

Why come to me?

Don't come to me and stick to your reasons.

I hate you, Mr. Stubble

Day 1504: The Language is Leaving Me

Mood: Reflective

Title Taken from the Song: No More I Love You's by Annie Lennox

My anger and disappointment runs deep. 

It is not just me as a whole saying it but little parts of me:

That my Mind hates you. 

 for being a jerk to my heart

My Heart is mad at you 

   for all the wounds and stabs it has gone through 

and my Soul feels betrayed by you 

   that it doesn't want to see you in future lifetimes

Day 1493: Say Something, I'm Giving Up On You

Mood: Numb

Title Taken from the Song: Say Something by A Great Big World

Here we go again 

You disappeared without telling me

You said that you're having a hard time and you can't talk to me yet 

But I am tired of your games

You keep treating me this way 

As if I am someone you could just PUT ON HOLD

I am not a toy that you could store in your special toy cabinet

and take out when conditions are convenient for you 

You didn't even tell me you're disappearing 

and I know that you've been gone for only a week 

But for the past year, you've been here everyday 

and one week seems a long long time 

I used the time to wonder on a lot of things: 

1) You said I'm the one you want. Your ideal. 

If I am, why do you treat your ideal girl like she's some shit?

If this is the case, then I don't want to be your anything 

2) The one you're taking for granted, someone else is wishing for

I started to appreciate this other guy who's been vying for my attention for a year now 

I've been aloof, showing no signs of interest and yet he's always been there for me 

As for you. I have always been there for you. 

Maybe it is my fault because I made myself too available to you 

But I realized, if this is all a game, then why just focus on you 

I'd rather play with another and not have the burden of emotional turmoil 

At least with The Other Guy, I am not vested emotionally 

It is easy to walk away 

My heart won't ache so badly that I'd have a hard time putting salve on my wounded heart

3) I guess you are only there during fun times

I accused you of being that type of friend. 

The one who you can not depend on during tough times but is always there during fun days 

I remember you saying I made you cry when I said this 

But truth is, it seems that my observation is real 

Because you are not here now and you disappeared again 

when the going gets tough 

4) I am still amazed how I did all those things for you 

Tell me, what did I ever do wrong?

All the things I've done, I wanted to just simply add to your happiness

You mentioned road trip and I made it possible 

You mentioned vacation to a favorite place of yours, and I was there 

No questions asked. 

I never asked you to share resources because it was a difficult time for you 

but please stop it 

if it is not possible then don't push for it and make me do everything just so it was made possible 

because all i see is a type of guy who'd use and abuse another person 

Good luck looking for another sugarmommy

5) I don't think I like you that much anymore

I realize that you're not worth every pain 

and that you've been using me all along to feed your fantasies of getaways

road trips, and little dates

Thank you, if you've thought I was your ideal girl. But, I realized you're neither my ideal guy 

Or anyone's ideal guy, for that matter

and that I realize now why your relationships failed. 

It's because you are okay as a friend, but one wouldn't make a mistake of wanting to end up with you

If I meet you in another lifetime, another circumstance - I would not choose you. 

Now that I have come to this point of giving up on you, I have options

I'm thinking of just walking away and never letting you know about this 

Or I can say everything to your face and make it as uncomfortable for you as possible

Second option seems okay because I am not afraid to lose you anymore

After all, you are not afraid to lose me and it's just okay if I'm here or there

But then a true test of letting go is to be at peace with oneself and one's decision 

I guess, I am still bitter after all 

I don't know if my thoughts here are just my hatred talking 

But I don't want to go back to hoping and wishing anymore 

You're nothing but a heartache and a heartbreak

Day 960: Come Waste Your Time With Me

Mood: Confused

Title Taken From the Song: Waste by Phish 

I've come full circle

I've hated you immensely

Then I missed you so intensely, it was just hard to breathe

And now I'm pretending it doesn't matter

Whenever you say you miss me

or how the things we've done can be so addicting

I guess we've been doing this for so many years

Getting so close then disappearing, ignoring we exist

But, we keep coming back to each other

Yet we never asked why

I would forget why I hate you

and would just get soaked in my senses

of having you so near

Where do you fit in the scheme of things?

I have no use for you yet I keep you around

You can always leave, run away

You know I am not going to beg for you to stay

So leave me alone, for two confused people don't make sense

Unless...

...we just stay and stop pushing each other away

Let us get lost in this world of ours

and how we fit so well together

we can get addicted to each other

and relish the intensity 

and just get lost and open up

stop lying to ourselves

and just be

let us just be.

Stop denying me

so I will stop denying you

Stop pretending 

and I will stop ignoring you

Open up to me

and I will place all my bets on you

Day 380: When you See My Face, Hope it Gives You Hell

Mood: Heartbroken and Angry

Title Taken From the Song: Gives You Hell by The All-American Rejects

I want to run away

I feel this anger

like water that I've kept hidden behind a dam

but the Dam is about to crack

anytime soon

I want to spare you from my explosive anger

I guess I still care about you

and I am still trying to save you

or to spare you

but sometimes, I feel like giving you what you deserve

I can't go on like this. 

I have to go even if it is a premature departure. 

Even if it is so impractical of me

and so unlikely of me

I just have to spare my heart of this agony

you're putting me through again

What the hell do you want, anyway?

How dare you shake my stable world

This kind of stability I have only reached 

after a long time of conditioning myself

Just because your mind is so twisted

and so messed up

you shouldn't include me in your twists and confused life

go work on your stupid self

You are so weak-willed. 

You are so easily influenced

It's like you don't have your own mind to use

and you let other people think for you. 

I am so pissed. 

I feel like I can't let this go without extracting revenge. 

I feel like I need to give you what you deserve

you stupid guy. 

i hate you soooooooooooooooooooo much. 

Day 374 (Jan 9): Don't You Think We Oughta Know by Now

Mood: Pensive
Title taken from the Song: Slow Dancing in a Burning Room by John Mayer

These days I just want to slap myself.

How can things go back to the same thing?
You and me.
Staring at each other and refusing to let each other go?

I want to reach the day when I will grow tired of you.
Because I've been getting this feeling that I can love you
so intensely that it will consume me wholly.

And I cant afford to have that happen.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
I know that it's wrong and right.
I feel that it is wrong and right.

Darn it.