Day 365: And so I came to see him and listen for awhile

Mood: Terribly Depressed
Song: Killing Me Softly


I don't even realize the tears on my face
Until I felt wetness on my cheeks
I can't believe that after a year of being so heartbroken,
that I'm still terribly sad about you

I met up with you a few days ago
to celebrate an event
and although a few days before it you seem happy to share that day with me
on the day itself, i felt you pull away

we met up, anyway.
i had to wait for you.
and i felt foolish for waiting.
like i insinuated myself onto your day
and you had to travel far away just to meet up with me

you suggested that we don't meet up next year
and i wanted to cry right there and then
because although i have plans of not seeing you again
after I totally leave
I wasn't planning to be "let go" on that special day

You asked me if I really plan on continuing with my plans of leaving
and I told you that I do...it's just that timing is not right.
You said you will be relieved because you won't have to worry about me
or the effect I have in your life

Now, I feel really terrible.
I feel really sad.
I hate you.
and yet I feel like I don't know what I should feel anymore.

Day 338: You Look So Different but Feel the Same

Mood: Sensual

Title Taken from Song: Runaway by Maroon 5

Why do you say the right things?

To another girl, it would've been JUST cute

But to me...you hit all the right buttons

and melt my cold heart

shake my solid world

rock my plain line

and consume my being intensely.

I am now wondering

Maybe we just have this chemicals that merge, oh so rightfully

and our words and way of thinking just seem to rhyme perfectly

and they way we touch just mold into one sweep

Say the words and I just drown

Touch me and I disintegrate

I feel like I just want to stay in your tender hug

for the rest of my life.

You said I'm like food that you want to taste relentlessly

Your kiss was so passionate

like my lips burned from your hunger

my body aches with controlled sensation

that is so intense it consumes me like fire

and i feel like combustible and oh so ductile

touch me and my insides start to accommodate

just stare at me and my heart palpitates

and my arms will start opening wide 

so you can have your way with me

Day 330: Some Things Are Meant To Be

Mood:    Calm and yet heartbroken pangs starting once again...

Title taken from the Song:   Can't Help Falling in Love by Ingrid Michaelson

"Why is it so hard for us to say goodbye to each other?"

You asked me this question as we tried to tell each other Goodbye

and it took us an hour to stand there waiting for each other to leave the place.

I just stared at you as I feel the magnetic pull

I have this vision that we should just run away as fast we can

So we wont have to give in to this unexplainable urge to stay

You told me about your issues with the one you're with

You walked away from her and now you're mulling on things

I advised you to STAY, no matter what happens

Always STAY in the room and work things out

So, isn't it ironic that you are here.

Staying. 

When you should go. 

You led me to a an old place

and gave me a hug

and smelled my hair.

I swore I heard you say those three little words somewhere

but then that's my delusional mind thinking.

I was proud of myself because I pulled away

I knew that somewhere in your heart, you are not sure what you were doing

Still, there are things you won't say

You talked about your issues but I feel like there is something else you wanted to say

When I told you I will leave this place eventually

I saw your sad eyes. 

I could see tears forming

Quietly, you said "I'm going to miss you."

and you smiled in a very sad way. 

You finally answered: 

"We can't let it each other go because we can never be together

and thus, we are on borrowed time."

I wanted to cry when I heard that. 

Because I feel like you are now experiencing the struggles I've underwent in the past

I told you to LET IT GO. 

ACCEPT things as they are

I wanted to tell you this, but I held back:

"I may love you but since it can't be...

then what am I supposed to do? 

Pine for you until I rot?

I have to be happy with or without you.

It doesn't mean my feelings will go away."

I had to go or else I might give in 

to your puppy-look requesting for a kiss I can not engage in. 

I pressed my lips onto yours really hard 

while my hands held your face

and I ran away as fast as I could.

Day 318: If it's a broken heart then face it

Mood:  Heartbroken and Confused

Title Taken from the Song: Details in the Fabric by Jason Mraz

I have been okay for quite some time. 

I made a lot of friends

the people, my family, the events and 

the busy-ness of the daily ins and outs of my life had kept me afloat.

I still think of you.

I still miss you. 

and there were times when I would miss you like this: like I can't breathe

and tears would pool in the corner of my eyes

because the emotions would overwhelm me 

and the memories would just flood in. 

two weeks ago, i gave you a token

it was nothing because i gave a lot of people the same token

the only difference is, i gave you two and i gave them one each

why?

it's just simple: you're my favorite amongst the crowd of people in my life

no matter how many people i try to socialize with

they can not replace the simple, tender friendship we had.

a week ago, you started messaging me.

daily. everyday. 

i was surprised at first. 

i welcomed the act and i thought that this is just nothing. 

it's nice to be friends again. 

but then, i started expecting your daily dose of "hi and hello"s

and i started to feel the same ol' frustration creeping in

i started to feel heartbroken over your not responding to something i said

i started to feel sad if by the end of the day i don't get any messages from you. 

i realized i had to meditate

i had to stop it

without ruining the flow of how nice this daily messaging has become

because, even though i don't get to see you anymore, 

even though i don't get to hang out with you anymore, 

you can still get to me

you still have me at hello. 

and it's so darn easy for you to break my hard-earned peace of mind. 

how can i let you go?

Day 248: And the games you play, you would always win, always win

Mood:  Peaceful and Strong 

Title Taken from the Song: Set Fire to the Rain by Adele

Last week, you attempted to find closure

You tried to say goodbye and sorry...for the last time

or...

...to reconcile the differences, be good friends (casual), and forget about the sordid past

in my heart, i found your sorry attempts pathetic. 

For one, you were in a hurry to go

and it looked like somebody just forced you

or paid you to apologize

Secondly, you don't even know what you did

you do not know why you were apologizing

you even asked me what made me so angry all those times

and the most important factor is I didn't feel like I wanted to talk

i just accepted your apology to get it over with

and that was a weird feeling

because it means that the past doesn't affect me as much anymore

maybe in the deep recesses of my heart, I still hurt

but my mind has now filtered my memories

and memories associated with you are now considered trivial

and I didn't really feel like being friends

the truth is, i wasn't surprised you tried reaching out to me

I was more surprised by my reaction

or non-reaction

deep inside i hurt

but i was so used to your games

and i just shook it off

you may think we're okay

but the truth is, you'll never be over me

But i will move on

because of my infinite heart

and clear emotions

i know what made my heart beat

i know that i want you and you alone

i know that despite all these caring I feel for you, 

we're better off as friends

and that to end it right, we need to exhaust time

and make this short time we have together a valuable time

or else you'll always end up wondering

wishing for me

missing me

longing for me

in a crazy obsessive manner.

while I will move on and just miss you and hope you're okay

I will feel fulfilled and complete with the memories I have of you.

thank you for being such an ass sometimes

because of your emotional baggage

your fear that if you even try to say Hi to me it will ruin your emotions

while you are nice to others and you let them bother you

you can not afford to have me around

because it hurts you too much

i hope you rot with your pain

and remember that someday, you'll regret everything 

you did not do or say

when we parted, i felt like you wanted to stay

but you couldn't, and I knew that

I appreciate your efforts. 

I saw the push and pull your heart is doing

In the end, I just made a decision to let you go even when you wanted to say a bit longer

I didn't want to walk with you in the rain

because that was the same day last year we walked in the rain

and I didn't want to add more to my memories

I saw your sad eyes and I looked away

in the hour we talked, I didn't look at you that much

I knew that if I look at you my heart will start melting and I can't afford that to happen

I walked away, and didn't look back to check if you actually looked at my back like how you used to

I'm letting you go and it means you have to walk away

and it means I can not check if you walked back towards me

and it means i shall not dwell on the fact that it was so easy for us to forgive and make up

and be friends and talk like there's so much we want to share with one another

you'll always have unfinished business with your heart

and you'll never find the closure you wanted.

because the fact that you tried to even say sorry to me

the fact that you tried to have closure

means you could not just go on and move on completely without thoughts of me passing through your head

when in our situation, we can not be in each other's world. 

so why can't you just let me go?

i've always asked you to just leave me alone. completely.

and let me go. completely.

don't bother talking to me again

pretend i don't exist. completely. 

but you just couldn't. 

Playlist: Are you Happy Now?

Date: August 21, 2011
Playlist Purpose: I wonder what you are thinking of, when you saw me and my friend said you tried to hide by looking down. You look pathetic and you look funny.

Prussian Blue by Popsicle
Kiss from a Rose by Seal
Brick by Ben Folds Five
Wonderwall by Ryan Adams
What I Got by Sublime
Her Most Beautiful Smile by Taro Iwashiro
Nightingale by Norah Jones
Get Here by Oletta Adams
Hey Stephen by Taylor Swift
The Bird and the Worm by The Used
Save Yourself by Stabbing Westward
Crazy for You by Madonna
Driving with the Breaks On by Del Amitri
Hemorrhage by Fuel
Insensitive by Jann Arden
Gone by Matt Nathanson
Someone Like You by Adele
Fact-Fiction by Mads Langer
Over You by Daughtry
When I'm Thinking About You by The Sundays
IF by Janet Jackson
Look After You by The Fray
Lightning Crashes by Live
Pyro by Kings of Leon
Walking After You by Foo Fighters
Breathe by Faith Hill

Day 233: Does It Seem I'm Looking for an Answer to a Question I Can't Ask?

Mood: Peaceful and Happy, somewhat
Title Taken from the Song: Nightingale by Norah Jones


Last week you said something terrible
A really slight remark that hits the mark
If your aim was to hurt me,
then I should hand you an MVP award
for being the most successful person to wrack my brains
and dismantle my heart with pain


Pretending I don't exist is good
I've been doing the same for the past months
But you didn't need to pretend to other people
and deny that you actually knew who I am
Are you happy now?


A friend got mad at me for still mooning over you
and I want you to know that I am okay now
I saw you the other day
and I didn't feel the need to confront you
In the back of my mind, I thought it was a waste of time
This is good... I'm slowly on the road to indifference


My hatred towards you is slowly becoming a disgust
and an observation of the things that make you a loser
a jerk
an ass
a douche-bag
all the things I've heard about you
from other people are summing up
and making me want to believe all the bad things they say about you


you're one big flirt
who doesn't know what he wants
who doesn't have the guts to apologize
who doesn't have the wisdom to see everything in one big picture
who always messes up his work because he spends more time flirting
i can't believe i ever defended you


I know that someday I might just look back at these words
and take it all back
and believe in the goodness I've always known is in there
but for now, it's not doing me any good to believe in you
so I'll just use the mean things you've shown
and amplify that to help me move on


I feel sorry for you
and I hope your soul won't rest from thinking
about all the things that could've been
all the words you should have said
and the right apology that should have been extended
and because you'll always have unfinished business with me
you'll never ever get over me...
Period.

ass.

Day 220: You've been praying for a remedy

Mood: Tearful

Title taken from the Song: Drown by Carolina Liar

Last week has been a week of jealousy.

You don't deserve it, I know.

And I don't deserve to feel this misery

After all, I do not know you anymore

I was so mad at myself but I realized I needed to feel this

So I can finally shut up 

So I can look at myself and realized how ridiculous I've been 

for being so envious and jealous that you're befriending my friend

I hate it when people mention your name

I long for the day when I won't hurt anymore

I wish that you'll experience what I'm feeling

and I hope that you'll crave and miss me like hell

I wish that you'll dream of me non-stop

and You'll wake up frustrated 

Because you'll wonder if you're crazy

I wish you'll be full of regrets

I wish I will have the time 

when the world turns around

and it's my turn to speak

I will tell you everything

but by then, I'll be stronger

and even if I will still love you

I won't want you anymore

I hate you. I truly hate you.  

Intermission: I just need you now

I just feel really really sad right now
I feel hopeless because I suddenly missed you
And I want those moments we could talk about anything
And you can just hug me so tightly and I can forget about the world
We can walk in the rain
and We can exchange candies


I miss you so much 

Day 199: Lost Like Some Forgotten Dream

Mood: Calm

Title taken from the Song: Real Love by The Beatles

I was so busy this week and this offered me a small window to help myself forget you

In my mind, I created a goodbye scene:

We were at a mart, standing behind the fridge

pretending to get a drink

I was behind you as you face the glass door

I told you: "Stand there. Stay put and don't EVER turn around."

My head dropped a little until my forehead touched your back

I let my head lean onto you that way

and I slowly ran my hands from your shoulder until it found its way into your hands

I clasped your hands and I closed my eyes

I started crying, silently. 

And you just stood there...feeling my tears 

you grabbed my arms and wrapped it in your middle section

You tried to turn but I panicked and asked you to stay

I started talking about my feelings

and how wonderful you were

and how much you've added meaning to my life

and after pouring out my soul

I asked you to do one last favor

I needed you to stand there for 60 seconds. 

Do not ever turn

You can turn around after the 60 seconds have lapsed

By then, I'll be gone and I won't look back

I was happy with my imaginary goodbye scene

Dramatic but fitting. 

I saw you today

I was happy because you stayed in the same area I was in

You were wearing red

and you look like a red king crab

I made a really quick about-face when I saw you

I know, I know. Stupid move. 

Then I didn't know where to go

I kept walking randomly and I think you noticed that

I suddenly felt stupid and decided to quit my stupid rattle act

I played songs that made me feel better

It so timely that I was playing Fiona Apple's Across the Universe

When I turned, there you were

I was happy with my reaction

I didn't feel the need to run to you 

and hug you

although I wanted you

i think i enjoy moving on ^_^ 

you'll always be in my heart though... 

you'll be my secret

Day 184: I hope this song will guide you home

Mood: Sad yet Accepting

Title taken from the Song: Such Great Heights by the Postal Service

Today, I had a breakthrough

I had this feeling of acceptance

that I may not have you anymore

I feel sad and tearful though

I didn't want it to end this way

I've always known this:

This will end in tears

But I wanted it to end beautifully

That even though my eyes are about to pop out from crying...

...I still feel blessed and grateful for having met you

I hate the feeling of mixed hatred and love for you

That one second I wish you'd say 'Hi' to me again 

so I'll just lower my pride and say 'Hi'' back

and not run away like what I did. 

I wanted to tell you everything:

how I felt, how I loved everything about you

how you are like this sunshine I refused to see in the past

and how you've always been part of my life in some way

even before I have met you. 

I wanted to tell you 

how wonderful you are

and how you should believe in yourself some more

and I wanted to tell you

that I love you

unfailingly. unquestionably. unconditionally. 

I am saying goodbye

really moving on. 

by limiting my interaction with you

by being somewhere far

so that I don't get moments of idiosyncrasies

to get a glimpse of you

to make me a little happy

I will try to survive not knowing how you are

and just hope and believe that you'll always be okay

and that you will take care of yourself. 

I hope my loving hopes and prayers will always be felt. 

Live and enjoy life. I'll do the same. 

I know I will still get moments of longing

but right now, I am more accepting of my hopeless situation. 

Goodbye. 

Day 11: My heart is under arrest again

Mood: What the H*ll was that?

Title Taken from the Song: Best of You by Foo Fighters

I woke up with a dream of you

The first in these many months where dreams of you were zero

In my dream I didn't even get to see you

You were just communicating through the digital world. 

You just typed in song titles

I didn't catch it all. 

When I woke up, I typed the words I remember in a search string: 

"always mean to her", "foo fighters", "enrique iglesias"...

and I ended up with the following songs:

The Best of You by Foo Fighters

How I Miss You by Foo Fighters

But, Honestly by Foo Fighters

Tonight by Enrique Iglesias

It was pretty intense how the lyrics of "The Best of You" seem like words you'll probably want to say to me

and honestly, I got a bit worked up just thinking about this

If you asked me who's gotten the best of me, it is probably you.

I swear, you can still get to me even in my dreams. 

I've got another confession to make

I'm your fool

Everyone's got their chains to break

Holdin' you

Were you born to resist or be abused?

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Are you gone and onto someone new?

I needed somewhere to hang my head

Without your noose

You gave me something that I didn't have

But had no use

I was too weak to give in

Too strong to lose

My heart is under arrest again

But I break loose

My head is giving me life or death

But I can't choose

I swear I'll never give in

I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Has someone taken your faith?

Its real, the pain you feel

You trust, you must

Confess

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Oh...

Oh...Oh...Oh...Oh...

Has someone taken your faith?

Its real, the pain you feel

The life, the love you'd die to heal

The hope that starts the broken hearts

You trust, you must

Confess

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

I've got another confession my friend

I'm no fool

I'm getting tired of starting again

Somewhere new

Were you born to resist or be abused?

I swear I'll never give in

I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Has someone taken your faith?

Its real, the pain you feel

You trust, you must

Confess

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Oh...