Day 960: Come Waste Your Time With Me

Mood: Confused

Title Taken From the Song: Waste by Phish 

I've come full circle

I've hated you immensely

Then I missed you so intensely, it was just hard to breathe

And now I'm pretending it doesn't matter

Whenever you say you miss me

or how the things we've done can be so addicting

I guess we've been doing this for so many years

Getting so close then disappearing, ignoring we exist

But, we keep coming back to each other

Yet we never asked why

I would forget why I hate you

and would just get soaked in my senses

of having you so near

Where do you fit in the scheme of things?

I have no use for you yet I keep you around

You can always leave, run away

You know I am not going to beg for you to stay

So leave me alone, for two confused people don't make sense

Unless...

...we just stay and stop pushing each other away

Let us get lost in this world of ours

and how we fit so well together

we can get addicted to each other

and relish the intensity 

and just get lost and open up

stop lying to ourselves

and just be

let us just be.

Stop denying me

so I will stop denying you

Stop pretending 

and I will stop ignoring you

Open up to me

and I will place all my bets on you

Day 380: When you See My Face, Hope it Gives You Hell

Mood: Heartbroken and Angry

Title Taken From the Song: Gives You Hell by The All-American Rejects

I want to run away

I feel this anger

like water that I've kept hidden behind a dam

but the Dam is about to crack

anytime soon

I want to spare you from my explosive anger

I guess I still care about you

and I am still trying to save you

or to spare you

but sometimes, I feel like giving you what you deserve

I can't go on like this. 

I have to go even if it is a premature departure. 

Even if it is so impractical of me

and so unlikely of me

I just have to spare my heart of this agony

you're putting me through again

What the hell do you want, anyway?

How dare you shake my stable world

This kind of stability I have only reached 

after a long time of conditioning myself

Just because your mind is so twisted

and so messed up

you shouldn't include me in your twists and confused life

go work on your stupid self

You are so weak-willed. 

You are so easily influenced

It's like you don't have your own mind to use

and you let other people think for you. 

I am so pissed. 

I feel like I can't let this go without extracting revenge. 

I feel like I need to give you what you deserve

you stupid guy. 

i hate you soooooooooooooooooooo much. 

Day 374 (Jan 9): Don't You Think We Oughta Know by Now

Mood: Pensive
Title taken from the Song: Slow Dancing in a Burning Room by John Mayer

These days I just want to slap myself.

How can things go back to the same thing?
You and me.
Staring at each other and refusing to let each other go?

I want to reach the day when I will grow tired of you.
Because I've been getting this feeling that I can love you
so intensely that it will consume me wholly.

And I cant afford to have that happen.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
I know that it's wrong and right.
I feel that it is wrong and right.

Darn it.

Day 365: And so I came to see him and listen for awhile

Mood: Terribly Depressed
Song: Killing Me Softly


I don't even realize the tears on my face
Until I felt wetness on my cheeks
I can't believe that after a year of being so heartbroken,
that I'm still terribly sad about you

I met up with you a few days ago
to celebrate an event
and although a few days before it you seem happy to share that day with me
on the day itself, i felt you pull away

we met up, anyway.
i had to wait for you.
and i felt foolish for waiting.
like i insinuated myself onto your day
and you had to travel far away just to meet up with me

you suggested that we don't meet up next year
and i wanted to cry right there and then
because although i have plans of not seeing you again
after I totally leave
I wasn't planning to be "let go" on that special day

You asked me if I really plan on continuing with my plans of leaving
and I told you that I do...it's just that timing is not right.
You said you will be relieved because you won't have to worry about me
or the effect I have in your life

Now, I feel really terrible.
I feel really sad.
I hate you.
and yet I feel like I don't know what I should feel anymore.

Day 338: You Look So Different but Feel the Same

Mood: Sensual

Title Taken from Song: Runaway by Maroon 5

Why do you say the right things?

To another girl, it would've been JUST cute

But to me...you hit all the right buttons

and melt my cold heart

shake my solid world

rock my plain line

and consume my being intensely.

I am now wondering

Maybe we just have this chemicals that merge, oh so rightfully

and our words and way of thinking just seem to rhyme perfectly

and they way we touch just mold into one sweep

Say the words and I just drown

Touch me and I disintegrate

I feel like I just want to stay in your tender hug

for the rest of my life.

You said I'm like food that you want to taste relentlessly

Your kiss was so passionate

like my lips burned from your hunger

my body aches with controlled sensation

that is so intense it consumes me like fire

and i feel like combustible and oh so ductile

touch me and my insides start to accommodate

just stare at me and my heart palpitates

and my arms will start opening wide 

so you can have your way with me

Day 330: Some Things Are Meant To Be

Mood:    Calm and yet heartbroken pangs starting once again...

Title taken from the Song:   Can't Help Falling in Love by Ingrid Michaelson

"Why is it so hard for us to say goodbye to each other?"

You asked me this question as we tried to tell each other Goodbye

and it took us an hour to stand there waiting for each other to leave the place.

I just stared at you as I feel the magnetic pull

I have this vision that we should just run away as fast we can

So we wont have to give in to this unexplainable urge to stay

You told me about your issues with the one you're with

You walked away from her and now you're mulling on things

I advised you to STAY, no matter what happens

Always STAY in the room and work things out

So, isn't it ironic that you are here.

Staying. 

When you should go. 

You led me to a an old place

and gave me a hug

and smelled my hair.

I swore I heard you say those three little words somewhere

but then that's my delusional mind thinking.

I was proud of myself because I pulled away

I knew that somewhere in your heart, you are not sure what you were doing

Still, there are things you won't say

You talked about your issues but I feel like there is something else you wanted to say

When I told you I will leave this place eventually

I saw your sad eyes. 

I could see tears forming

Quietly, you said "I'm going to miss you."

and you smiled in a very sad way. 

You finally answered: 

"We can't let it each other go because we can never be together

and thus, we are on borrowed time."

I wanted to cry when I heard that. 

Because I feel like you are now experiencing the struggles I've underwent in the past

I told you to LET IT GO. 

ACCEPT things as they are

I wanted to tell you this, but I held back:

"I may love you but since it can't be...

then what am I supposed to do? 

Pine for you until I rot?

I have to be happy with or without you.

It doesn't mean my feelings will go away."

I had to go or else I might give in 

to your puppy-look requesting for a kiss I can not engage in. 

I pressed my lips onto yours really hard 

while my hands held your face

and I ran away as fast as I could.

Day 318: If it's a broken heart then face it

Mood:  Heartbroken and Confused

Title Taken from the Song: Details in the Fabric by Jason Mraz

I have been okay for quite some time. 

I made a lot of friends

the people, my family, the events and 

the busy-ness of the daily ins and outs of my life had kept me afloat.

I still think of you.

I still miss you. 

and there were times when I would miss you like this: like I can't breathe

and tears would pool in the corner of my eyes

because the emotions would overwhelm me 

and the memories would just flood in. 

two weeks ago, i gave you a token

it was nothing because i gave a lot of people the same token

the only difference is, i gave you two and i gave them one each

why?

it's just simple: you're my favorite amongst the crowd of people in my life

no matter how many people i try to socialize with

they can not replace the simple, tender friendship we had.

a week ago, you started messaging me.

daily. everyday. 

i was surprised at first. 

i welcomed the act and i thought that this is just nothing. 

it's nice to be friends again. 

but then, i started expecting your daily dose of "hi and hello"s

and i started to feel the same ol' frustration creeping in

i started to feel heartbroken over your not responding to something i said

i started to feel sad if by the end of the day i don't get any messages from you. 

i realized i had to meditate

i had to stop it

without ruining the flow of how nice this daily messaging has become

because, even though i don't get to see you anymore, 

even though i don't get to hang out with you anymore, 

you can still get to me

you still have me at hello. 

and it's so darn easy for you to break my hard-earned peace of mind. 

how can i let you go?