Day 170: How many times will you let me change my mind and turn around?

Mood: Longing

Title Taken From the Song: Arms by Christina Perri

Last Lunar Eclipse (June 15), I saw you at the steps.

I was with a friend and I pretended not to see you.

I looked away but I was dying to know if you looked at me.

I know you did.

I saw you last June 11. I glanced backward when I felt someone's stare at my back.

I knew you saw me through the glass from the other end of the room. 

You saw me cross the room to the printer

and this was why you glanced back. 

I just ignored you while my heart did flip-flops. 

Last Saturday, I saw you again. 

I was wishing and hoping I could see you. 

But, I didn't get to. 

So I gave up and did what I needed to do. 

Then I looked up and there you were walking towards my line of sight

I mouthed "shit!" and tried to hurry along. 

In reality, I'm such a coward when you're around. 

When I got out of the store, you crossed my path and waved

and looked back to smile. 

I frowned. 

I ran away from you.

But after twists and turns.

I ended up in the same escalator. 

I was just behind you. 

Fate really loves playing tricks on me. 

Oh, tell me. How can I let you go?

How can I calm my heart?

How can I completely let go of any hang-ups I might have about you?

How dare you smile at me as if nothing happened?

How dare you act like this is all nothing to me and I will easily smile at you. 

You're such a jerk sometime.

We can not be friends anymore. 

We can not be even be smiling acquaintances anymore. 

After all that happened, it's not safe to even remember your name. 

A simple smile can lead to a kiss. 

In the end, I'm the only one hurt. 

So you can smile all the day and wave every time you see me

but my heart is still wounded. 

My heart will always do flip-flops every time you pass by and smile.

And I can not afford to just pretend that all is great

and that all is nothing. 

Because it did mean a lot to me to let you in my world just for you to tear it down

and smile at me after your successful demolition.

You said that when the time comes that I should miss you so badly

and I would feel this need and longing to be hugged by you, 

All I have to do is reach out and you'll let me hug you

But in reality, it never happened. 

And I'm here wishing I could hug you. 

I miss your tight hug. 

I am in a contradicting position. 

I miss you badly yet

I am also hurting so badly that I am paralyzed and

I can not be friends with you

no matter how much I long to talk to you again. 

Your smiling attempt at me last Saturday only breaks my heart. 

I've wished for something like that to happen. 

And yet when you did attempt to reconcile, I just felt heartbroken

There is this feeling that you've been able to move on from me

while here I am obsessing about what happened. 

I hate you. 

I want you so badly yet

I know how this will turn out in the end. 

What should I do?

I really need to let this go 

and forget you

completely. 

How can I forget you?

When you're in my thoughts naturally?

and seeing you just intensifies my heart beat some more?

And I'd wake up missing you all over again. 

I hate you.