Day 176: I'm in the Mood for Running Away

  

Mood: Freezing and Mortified

Title Taken from the Song: Ghost in You by Psychedelic Furs/Counting Crows

I am berating myself for being so negative

but I am accepting this phase of letting go

I am angry

I am pissed at everything

My life is going down the drain

and adding you in the picture is just making it so complicated

Because I still care about you

and you're in the world I exist in

I know we're over.

Completely over. 

even if you never really said goodbye to me.

I had this fear you'll come back and play your game again

Why don't you just make up your darn mind?

I rejected your feeble attempts at reconciliation

You probably thought that I'll be the same understanding girl you knew

But this time it's me running away from you. 

This time I feel rebellious. 

This time I feel like I don't give a damn. 

This time I feel like puffin a smoke or two

This time I feel like pushing you around until you bleed

And then you saw me smoking

I knew you pretended not to care.

I ignored you last Saturday

then I returned one thing you've given me in the past

I was trying to make a statement that I am done with your crap

I smoked and hoped you'll see me

In my mind I had it all set up

Then you arrived so timely

and our eyes met for a brief second

In all these months, I have avoided your eyes

I feel like I could see you and me whenever I look into your eyes

I saw you facing the other way

but I saw your eyes trying so hard to look at my hands

and you saw my cigarette. 

For a second, I felt your surprise

I felt your disappointment which I carried all the way home

Until now. 

I am trying to be rebellious

I am trying to punch the air and shout "I don't care.'

But, I really do care

And I felt bad for disappointing you

And I am mad at myself

for still caring about your reaction. 

I am still pissed.

And I still want to ignore you

Ignoring you is protecting myself

but I am a bit lost at what to do

It just hurts to feel like you don't care about me anymore

It hurts to try and try everyday to find ways to forget you

It just hurts to know how my will is not as strong when it comes to you

It hurts to not know if you are okay or not. 

It hurts to forget you because it requires so much effort

It hurts to forgive you because I want to be selfish for a change

It hurts to let go of you without thinking that I should get even at least. 

Tell me what to do to get over you, dammit.