Day 11: My heart is under arrest again

Mood: What the H*ll was that?

Title Taken from the Song: Best of You by Foo Fighters

I woke up with a dream of you

The first in these many months where dreams of you were zero

In my dream I didn't even get to see you

You were just communicating through the digital world. 

You just typed in song titles

I didn't catch it all. 

When I woke up, I typed the words I remember in a search string: 

"always mean to her", "foo fighters", "enrique iglesias"...

and I ended up with the following songs:

The Best of You by Foo Fighters

How I Miss You by Foo Fighters

But, Honestly by Foo Fighters

Tonight by Enrique Iglesias

It was pretty intense how the lyrics of "The Best of You" seem like words you'll probably want to say to me

and honestly, I got a bit worked up just thinking about this

If you asked me who's gotten the best of me, it is probably you.

I swear, you can still get to me even in my dreams. 

I've got another confession to make

I'm your fool

Everyone's got their chains to break

Holdin' you

Were you born to resist or be abused?

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Are you gone and onto someone new?

I needed somewhere to hang my head

Without your noose

You gave me something that I didn't have

But had no use

I was too weak to give in

Too strong to lose

My heart is under arrest again

But I break loose

My head is giving me life or death

But I can't choose

I swear I'll never give in

I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Has someone taken your faith?

Its real, the pain you feel

You trust, you must

Confess

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Oh...

Oh...Oh...Oh...Oh...

Has someone taken your faith?

Its real, the pain you feel

The life, the love you'd die to heal

The hope that starts the broken hearts

You trust, you must

Confess

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

I've got another confession my friend

I'm no fool

I'm getting tired of starting again

Somewhere new

Were you born to resist or be abused?

I swear I'll never give in

I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Has someone taken your faith?

Its real, the pain you feel

You trust, you must

Confess

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Oh...

Day 176: I'm in the Mood for Running Away

  

Mood: Freezing and Mortified

Title Taken from the Song: Ghost in You by Psychedelic Furs/Counting Crows

I am berating myself for being so negative

but I am accepting this phase of letting go

I am angry

I am pissed at everything

My life is going down the drain

and adding you in the picture is just making it so complicated

Because I still care about you

and you're in the world I exist in

I know we're over.

Completely over. 

even if you never really said goodbye to me.

I had this fear you'll come back and play your game again

Why don't you just make up your darn mind?

I rejected your feeble attempts at reconciliation

You probably thought that I'll be the same understanding girl you knew

But this time it's me running away from you. 

This time I feel rebellious. 

This time I feel like I don't give a damn. 

This time I feel like puffin a smoke or two

This time I feel like pushing you around until you bleed

And then you saw me smoking

I knew you pretended not to care.

I ignored you last Saturday

then I returned one thing you've given me in the past

I was trying to make a statement that I am done with your crap

I smoked and hoped you'll see me

In my mind I had it all set up

Then you arrived so timely

and our eyes met for a brief second

In all these months, I have avoided your eyes

I feel like I could see you and me whenever I look into your eyes

I saw you facing the other way

but I saw your eyes trying so hard to look at my hands

and you saw my cigarette. 

For a second, I felt your surprise

I felt your disappointment which I carried all the way home

Until now. 

I am trying to be rebellious

I am trying to punch the air and shout "I don't care.'

But, I really do care

And I felt bad for disappointing you

And I am mad at myself

for still caring about your reaction. 

I am still pissed.

And I still want to ignore you

Ignoring you is protecting myself

but I am a bit lost at what to do

It just hurts to feel like you don't care about me anymore

It hurts to try and try everyday to find ways to forget you

It just hurts to know how my will is not as strong when it comes to you

It hurts to not know if you are okay or not. 

It hurts to forget you because it requires so much effort

It hurts to forgive you because I want to be selfish for a change

It hurts to let go of you without thinking that I should get even at least. 

Tell me what to do to get over you, dammit. 

Day 170: How many times will you let me change my mind and turn around?

Mood: Longing

Title Taken From the Song: Arms by Christina Perri

Last Lunar Eclipse (June 15), I saw you at the steps.

I was with a friend and I pretended not to see you.

I looked away but I was dying to know if you looked at me.

I know you did.

I saw you last June 11. I glanced backward when I felt someone's stare at my back.

I knew you saw me through the glass from the other end of the room. 

You saw me cross the room to the printer

and this was why you glanced back. 

I just ignored you while my heart did flip-flops. 

Last Saturday, I saw you again. 

I was wishing and hoping I could see you. 

But, I didn't get to. 

So I gave up and did what I needed to do. 

Then I looked up and there you were walking towards my line of sight

I mouthed "shit!" and tried to hurry along. 

In reality, I'm such a coward when you're around. 

When I got out of the store, you crossed my path and waved

and looked back to smile. 

I frowned. 

I ran away from you.

But after twists and turns.

I ended up in the same escalator. 

I was just behind you. 

Fate really loves playing tricks on me. 

Oh, tell me. How can I let you go?

How can I calm my heart?

How can I completely let go of any hang-ups I might have about you?

How dare you smile at me as if nothing happened?

How dare you act like this is all nothing to me and I will easily smile at you. 

You're such a jerk sometime.

We can not be friends anymore. 

We can not be even be smiling acquaintances anymore. 

After all that happened, it's not safe to even remember your name. 

A simple smile can lead to a kiss. 

In the end, I'm the only one hurt. 

So you can smile all the day and wave every time you see me

but my heart is still wounded. 

My heart will always do flip-flops every time you pass by and smile.

And I can not afford to just pretend that all is great

and that all is nothing. 

Because it did mean a lot to me to let you in my world just for you to tear it down

and smile at me after your successful demolition.

You said that when the time comes that I should miss you so badly

and I would feel this need and longing to be hugged by you, 

All I have to do is reach out and you'll let me hug you

But in reality, it never happened. 

And I'm here wishing I could hug you. 

I miss your tight hug. 

I am in a contradicting position. 

I miss you badly yet

I am also hurting so badly that I am paralyzed and

I can not be friends with you

no matter how much I long to talk to you again. 

Your smiling attempt at me last Saturday only breaks my heart. 

I've wished for something like that to happen. 

And yet when you did attempt to reconcile, I just felt heartbroken

There is this feeling that you've been able to move on from me

while here I am obsessing about what happened. 

I hate you. 

I want you so badly yet

I know how this will turn out in the end. 

What should I do?

I really need to let this go 

and forget you

completely. 

How can I forget you?

When you're in my thoughts naturally?

and seeing you just intensifies my heart beat some more?

And I'd wake up missing you all over again. 

I hate you. 

Day 166: This is looking like a contest of who can act like they care less

STORY OF US

TAYLOR SWIFT

I used to think one day we'd tell the story of us

How we met and the sparks flew instantly

People would say they're the lucky ones

I used to know my spot was next to you

Now I'm searching the room for an empty seat

'Cause lately I don't even know what page you're on

Oh, a simple complication

Miscommunications lead to fallout

So many things that I wish you knew

So many walls up, I can't break through

Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room

And we're not speaking

And I'm dying to know, is it killing you

Like it's killing me

I don't know what to say since a twist of fate

When it all broke down

And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now

Next chapter

How'd we end up this way?

See me nervously pulling at my clothes and trying to look busy

And you're doing your best to avoid me

I'm starting to think one day I'll tell the story of us

How I was losing my mind when I saw you here

But you held your pride like you should have held me

Oh I'm scared to see the ending

Why are we pretending this is nothing?

I'd tell you I miss you, but I don't know how

I've never heard silence quite this loud

Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room

And we're not speaking

And I'm dying to know, is it killing you

Like it's killing me

I don't know what to say since a twist of fate

When it all broke down

And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now

This is looking like a contest

Of who can act like they care less

But I liked it better when you were on my side

The battle's in your hands now

But I would lay my armor down

If you'd say you'd rather love then fight

So many things that you wish I knew

But the story of us might be ending soon

Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room

And we're not speaking

And I'm dying to know, is it killing you

Like it's killing me

I don't know what to say since a twist of fate

When it all broke down

And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now

Now, now

And we're not speaking

And I'm dying to know, is it killing you

Like it's killing me?

And I don't know what to say since a twist of fate

'Cause we're going down

And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now

The end

Day 165: Why are we pretending this is nothing?

Mood:  Confused and wondering 

Title Taken from the song:  Story of Us by Taylor Swift

I am so hooked on this song by Taylor Swift. 

I really feel like this describes how we are right now.

I have been successful at hiding from you

I did not let your presence or the idea that you are in the same building deter me

I worked and worked knowing I only have limited time

before I make the final decision to quit this job

not because of you, mind you...

but i have so many reasons to push me in channeling my talents somewhere else

but you wouldn't know what I've been going

because we are still ignoring each other. 

I can not pretend to be friends with you

Knowing how you didn't even apologize properly

We were in this mess primarily because of you

I've always had sincere intentions

You were the one who couldn't make up what you really wanted

and why you were doing the things you were doing

I moved on with a little help from my friends

and I appreciate everything that came my way

my relationship with other people has improved

and you were not in the picture anymore

I still get signs from the universe telling me not to forget you completely. 

and by now, i hate all these signs i don't want to see

and i am starting to dislike this meddling universe for pointing you to me

Last week, i had a shot at simple happiness when I peeked through the glass window.

I just saw your back while you were busy working.

i still care about you, you see

and this is something i can not just shake off

i had managed to just survive and thrive knowing you're permanently in my heart

i just need to learn how to cover your place with a lot of band-aids 

so that i won't get to feel you at all

and to the world, my heart looks new and shiny

I had my quota of stolen glances for the month

so I wasn't expecting when you suddenly breezed past me

I was photocopying happily 

and by some twist of circumstances I looked up the same time you gave a backward glance

we had a moment of eye-to-eye contact

and here's to my world rattled again. 

I continued pretending I didn't care much about your presence

but I am so much wiser now

I could see your reflection in the muddy window glass

and I saw how you quickly glanced at my back when you hastily walked behind me

I pretended to read what's on my screen

but I could feel your gaze burning 

and I could still feel you

even when you pretend you don't see me

I knew that you saw me from the other side of the room

and you saw me going to the photocopy machine

this is why you made that backward glance

I miss you so much

and my weekend was filled with thoughts of you

I somehow knew that you were thinking of me, too

I want to be held by you one last time

and I want my last memory of you to be special

not like this

quoting Taylor Swift: "...the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now..."