Day 121: This could be the last mistake that I would ever wanna do

Mood:  Numb

Title Taken from the Song: Another Heart Calls by The All-American Rejects (feat the Pierces)

I felt so numb the past few days

and I was proud of myself for being able to forget you

then I realized that you still cross my mind

and I said to myself: "at least, my heart does not seem to care anymore"

But I was wrong. 

My heart does care. 

The only reason it's been numb is because:

I cry myself to sleep everyday

It's been 39 days since the last time I saw you

You disappeared once again

without saying goodbye

I told you that we should stop this game

My broken heart has been shattered to pieces

repeatedly

that it's now unrecognizable

I keep waiting and waiting

for you to say goodbye

and you never do

you run away

from whatever demons you're battling within yourself

and you'll never get over me

because you can never resolve me

One day, when you're ready to come back to me

My heart will be renewed

and made stronger

and I'll heap onto you all the pain and suffering I've experienced 

under your expert heart-breaker hands

By then I will have moved on

and more focused

successful

and you will still be alone in your confused world

i just want you to say what you mean and mean what you say

and have the conviction

and not run away from the intensity

the moment you did what you wanted, 

it felt so strong 

and maybe it was wrong

but the moment it happened it was so right

i am not some jettison you throw overboard just to make your load lighter

and someday you will realize that. 

i will wait for the day when i can slap you in the face

and make you regret all these cat-and-mouse games you've put me through

i will still love you

but it doesn't mean i will have to put up with all the crap you subject me to

Everyday, when I wake up, 

I will function 

and I will get past the feeling of longing

wanting to talk to you

even if it means that I have to cry myself to sleep 

just to do this. 

And you will always have me in your mind

in your heart

in your senses

you will never resolve me

you will always wonder about me

for the rest of your life. 

Day 120: I see nothing worse than to sail this universe without you

Mood:  Heartbroken  

Title Taken From the Song: We Are Stars by the Pierces

We are stars,
Fashioned in the flesh and bone,
We are islands,
Excuses to remain alone,
We are moons,
Throw ourselves around each other,
We are oceans,
Being controlled by the pull of another.

And I just wanna be loved by you,
Yeah I just wanna be loved by you,
I see nothing worse than to sail this universe without you.

When we met,
I was pulling an angel out of a liar,
We forget,
Satisfaction kills our desire,
We are dreamers,
Wishing upon what we were born from,
We made plans,
Kill them ourselves,
And then we mourn them.

And I just wanna be loved by you,
Yeah I just wanna be loved by you,
I see nothing worse than to sail this universe without you.

And I just wanna be loved by you,
Yeah I just wanna be loved by you,
I see nothing worse than to sail this universe without you.
(I just wanna be loved by you)
I see nothing worse than to sail this universe without you.
(I just wanna be loved by you)
I see nothing worse than to sail this universe without you,
Without you.

Day 89: Heart, We Will Forget Him

Heart, we will forget him,
You and I, tonight!
You must forget the warmth he gave,
I will forget the light.

When you have done pray tell me,
Then I, my thoughts, will dim.
Haste! ‘lest while you’re lagging
I may remember him!


- Emily Dickinson

Day 51 (Feb 21): Got You Where I Want You

Mood: Confused
Title Taken from the Song: Got You Where I Want You by The Flys






Right now, I got you where I want you
You saying how sorry you are
Acting like we could just pick up where we left off
But we forgot one little detail: my heart

It's still broken
shattered to pieces
and i can not pretend that the past didn't happen


there will always be this defensive stance
this wall i will surround myself with
this fortress to protect myself

so although this moment is something i have wished to happen
i am too scared to move
to scared to accept this sorta fairytale move of yours
because i know that one of these days you will break my heart again

Day 88: Who do you think you are? Runnin' 'round leaving scars?

Mood: Hopeless 

Song Title Taken From: Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri

I can't believe that I got duped again

Why did I ever believe in you?

I was doing great...

Learning to move on

Swearing to myself I'll never look back

That no matter what happens I will just ignore you

If you ever come up to me

I will just shun you away

But then you always had this charm

This power over me

and I am back to the same thing

The same agony

And now, 

I am like a puppet to your string

I hate this feeling

Of being so dependent on you

If I should Stay or Go

I want to get rid of you

COMPLETELY...

that i can walk away from everything

without looking back

even if you are at your sweetest

your honest 

and your loveliest self

I want to just feel nothing

and forget you like you never existed 

at all

So take all of the sad things in me

Take all of the pain I've experienced

Take all the tears I cried

so that I won't get to be sad again

or to feel pain over you again

or to cry again.

Take your bullshit and leave me alone

Do not ignore me for months

and then come back missing me as a friend

and luring me back to the same thing

and then blowing me off when it is most convenient for you

say what you mean

and mean what you say

Don't act like I forced you to do this

To come back to me

When I have done all I could to stay away from you

and you knew the power you have over me

Just follow through on what you promised to yourself. 

That is: to leave me alone

To forget me

To pretend I don't exist anymore. 

And I will forget you just as easily. 

Day 24: I heard the news today, oh boy

Mood: Pretending
Title taken from the song: A Day in the Life by the Beatles 

For eight weeks, I threaded through the mud of agony and depression.

I looked normal. People even said I look so inspired. I never let people on that I was actually depressed.

Then came Christmas and I decided to pick myself up and move on.

The death of a dear friend was enough of a wake-up call. 

He was the only one I told about you. 

And now that he's not here, I can not afford to get heartbroken again. 

I might go crazy knowing there's no one else I can speak to about you.

I couldn't tell anyone else about you for the fear of being judged

I felt like once they knew I actually fell for you, 

I'd be seen as vulnerable. 

I'd be seen as weak. 

I'd rather them wonder endlessly than admit to it. 

Even now, I still hear them talking about you. 

They didn't know we're not even anything close to friends.
They'd talk to you and point me out
And I feel like the world is being cruel to me


I prayed and prayed that God would help me heal
and he answered my prayers

I heard the news a few weeks ago
about my transfer
and I know I have prayed for this
an exit
a way out from a lifestyle of thinking of you
a habit of remembering you
into a life of work
a life of focus on things that will reap rewards

I almost said goodbye to everyone
except to you
I had weeks of thinking 
trying to make a decision

How come the person you want to say goodbye to the most
is the only person you don't really get the chance to say goodbye to? 
 

Day 15: When the truth is.. I miss you

Mood: Reminiscing

Title Taken from Music: Warning Sign by Coldplay

Once there was a time when you were just a dream.

An impossibility.

You and Me = Us or We was not something I considered

It was just a wish

Fate stepped in.

You became real

We were both in awe

We never thought that we could be together

You said I was out of your reach

I said that I thought the same about you

Now, it seemed like everything was back to the idyllic days

of wishing and longing and stargazing

of hoping you would notice me

of hoping you would think of me

I could have sworn we are strangers by the way we act around each other

Was that you holding my hand three months ago?
Was that you looking at my back as we part ways on the street?

Was that you hugging me so tightly two months ago?

Was that you kissing me as if your life depended on it?

Was that you whispering in my ear I love you?

I could have sworn it was you. 

Now you're just someone who passes me by
Someone who'd just steal glances, thinking I could not see you from where I stood

Someone who I cross hallways with
Someone whom I won't dare speak to even if you're the last resort to get the job done
The only one I won't give chocolates to when I've given everybody else
Just a voice I hear when I pass by

But the truth is.. I just miss you