Day 89: Heart, We Will Forget Him

Heart, we will forget him,
You and I, tonight!
You must forget the warmth he gave,
I will forget the light.

When you have done pray tell me,
Then I, my thoughts, will dim.
Haste! ‘lest while you’re lagging
I may remember him!


- Emily Dickinson

Day 51 (Feb 21): Got You Where I Want You

Mood: Confused
Title Taken from the Song: Got You Where I Want You by The Flys






Right now, I got you where I want you
You saying how sorry you are
Acting like we could just pick up where we left off
But we forgot one little detail: my heart

It's still broken
shattered to pieces
and i can not pretend that the past didn't happen


there will always be this defensive stance
this wall i will surround myself with
this fortress to protect myself

so although this moment is something i have wished to happen
i am too scared to move
to scared to accept this sorta fairytale move of yours
because i know that one of these days you will break my heart again

Day 88: Who do you think you are? Runnin' 'round leaving scars?

Mood: Hopeless 

Song Title Taken From: Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri

I can't believe that I got duped again

Why did I ever believe in you?

I was doing great...

Learning to move on

Swearing to myself I'll never look back

That no matter what happens I will just ignore you

If you ever come up to me

I will just shun you away

But then you always had this charm

This power over me

and I am back to the same thing

The same agony

And now, 

I am like a puppet to your string

I hate this feeling

Of being so dependent on you

If I should Stay or Go

I want to get rid of you

COMPLETELY...

that i can walk away from everything

without looking back

even if you are at your sweetest

your honest 

and your loveliest self

I want to just feel nothing

and forget you like you never existed 

at all

So take all of the sad things in me

Take all of the pain I've experienced

Take all the tears I cried

so that I won't get to be sad again

or to feel pain over you again

or to cry again.

Take your bullshit and leave me alone

Do not ignore me for months

and then come back missing me as a friend

and luring me back to the same thing

and then blowing me off when it is most convenient for you

say what you mean

and mean what you say

Don't act like I forced you to do this

To come back to me

When I have done all I could to stay away from you

and you knew the power you have over me

Just follow through on what you promised to yourself. 

That is: to leave me alone

To forget me

To pretend I don't exist anymore. 

And I will forget you just as easily. 

Day 24: I heard the news today, oh boy

Mood: Pretending
Title taken from the song: A Day in the Life by the Beatles 

For eight weeks, I threaded through the mud of agony and depression.

I looked normal. People even said I look so inspired. I never let people on that I was actually depressed.

Then came Christmas and I decided to pick myself up and move on.

The death of a dear friend was enough of a wake-up call. 

He was the only one I told about you. 

And now that he's not here, I can not afford to get heartbroken again. 

I might go crazy knowing there's no one else I can speak to about you.

I couldn't tell anyone else about you for the fear of being judged

I felt like once they knew I actually fell for you, 

I'd be seen as vulnerable. 

I'd be seen as weak. 

I'd rather them wonder endlessly than admit to it. 

Even now, I still hear them talking about you. 

They didn't know we're not even anything close to friends.
They'd talk to you and point me out
And I feel like the world is being cruel to me


I prayed and prayed that God would help me heal
and he answered my prayers

I heard the news a few weeks ago
about my transfer
and I know I have prayed for this
an exit
a way out from a lifestyle of thinking of you
a habit of remembering you
into a life of work
a life of focus on things that will reap rewards

I almost said goodbye to everyone
except to you
I had weeks of thinking 
trying to make a decision

How come the person you want to say goodbye to the most
is the only person you don't really get the chance to say goodbye to? 
 

Day 15: When the truth is.. I miss you

Mood: Reminiscing

Title Taken from Music: Warning Sign by Coldplay

Once there was a time when you were just a dream.

An impossibility.

You and Me = Us or We was not something I considered

It was just a wish

Fate stepped in.

You became real

We were both in awe

We never thought that we could be together

You said I was out of your reach

I said that I thought the same about you

Now, it seemed like everything was back to the idyllic days

of wishing and longing and stargazing

of hoping you would notice me

of hoping you would think of me

I could have sworn we are strangers by the way we act around each other

Was that you holding my hand three months ago?
Was that you looking at my back as we part ways on the street?

Was that you hugging me so tightly two months ago?

Was that you kissing me as if your life depended on it?

Was that you whispering in my ear I love you?

I could have sworn it was you. 

Now you're just someone who passes me by
Someone who'd just steal glances, thinking I could not see you from where I stood

Someone who I cross hallways with
Someone whom I won't dare speak to even if you're the last resort to get the job done
The only one I won't give chocolates to when I've given everybody else
Just a voice I hear when I pass by

But the truth is.. I just miss you

Day 3: Was I Ever Loved by You?

Mood: Musically High

Title Taken from Music: Out of Reach by Gabrielle

Out of Reach by Gabrielle

Knew the signs wasn’t right
I was stupid, for a while
Swept away, by you
And now I feel like a fool

So confused

My heart’s bruised 

Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far 

I never had your heart 

Out of reach, couldn’t see 

We were never met to be

Catch myself, from despair
I could drown if I stay here
Keeping busy, everyday
I know I will be ok

But I’m
So confused
My heart’s bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn’t see
We were never met to be

So much hurt, so much pain
Takes a while to regain
What is lost inside
And I hope that in time
You’ll be out of my mind
I’ll be over you

And know I’m
So confused
My heart’s bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn’t see
We were never met to be
Out of reach, so far,
You never gave your heart
In my reach, I can see
There’s a life out there for me 

Day 2: What if you stayed this time?

Mood: Restless 

Song: Stay by Shakespears Sister

Title Taken from the Movie: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

"Clementine: Joely? What if you stayed this time?
Joel: I walked out the door. There’s no memory left.
Clementine: Come back and make up a good-bye, at least.
Clementine: Let’s pretend we had one.
Clementine: Bye, Joel.
Joel: I love you.
Clementine: Meet me in Montauk."

I wish there was a device similar to the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind's memory-erasing machine.

So that the sound of your voice won't hold any value. 

A few days ago... you thought I had gone home and sent me a message through email

you greeted me with a "Happy Birthday" wish. 

I thought I was just dreaming

In my wildest dreams, I wanted you to remember that special day

and that once upon a time, I wanted to spend it with you. 

I wasn't prepared for the hurt and the longing to come rushing back

I wanted you to take the leap

and spend the day with me..

..like in the original plan

but then you said the words I've always hated to hear from you

"Sorry it ended this way

but then it's better this way, i guess.

Take care. Always take care."

 Why are you always sorry?

Was everything we had sorry-inducing?

 I wanted to say:

If I asked you to stay

just for a day

would you take the leap 

and pretend with me

that we could be together?

would you stay this time?

But I didn't say any of those. 

I just said:

"Thanks. 

Take care!"