Day 165: Why are we pretending this is nothing?

Mood:  Confused and wondering 

Title Taken from the song:  Story of Us by Taylor Swift

I am so hooked on this song by Taylor Swift. 

I really feel like this describes how we are right now.

I have been successful at hiding from you

I did not let your presence or the idea that you are in the same building deter me

I worked and worked knowing I only have limited time

before I make the final decision to quit this job

not because of you, mind you...

but i have so many reasons to push me in channeling my talents somewhere else

but you wouldn't know what I've been going

because we are still ignoring each other. 

I can not pretend to be friends with you

Knowing how you didn't even apologize properly

We were in this mess primarily because of you

I've always had sincere intentions

You were the one who couldn't make up what you really wanted

and why you were doing the things you were doing

I moved on with a little help from my friends

and I appreciate everything that came my way

my relationship with other people has improved

and you were not in the picture anymore

I still get signs from the universe telling me not to forget you completely. 

and by now, i hate all these signs i don't want to see

and i am starting to dislike this meddling universe for pointing you to me

Last week, i had a shot at simple happiness when I peeked through the glass window.

I just saw your back while you were busy working.

i still care about you, you see

and this is something i can not just shake off

i had managed to just survive and thrive knowing you're permanently in my heart

i just need to learn how to cover your place with a lot of band-aids 

so that i won't get to feel you at all

and to the world, my heart looks new and shiny

I had my quota of stolen glances for the month

so I wasn't expecting when you suddenly breezed past me

I was photocopying happily 

and by some twist of circumstances I looked up the same time you gave a backward glance

we had a moment of eye-to-eye contact

and here's to my world rattled again. 

I continued pretending I didn't care much about your presence

but I am so much wiser now

I could see your reflection in the muddy window glass

and I saw how you quickly glanced at my back when you hastily walked behind me

I pretended to read what's on my screen

but I could feel your gaze burning 

and I could still feel you

even when you pretend you don't see me

I knew that you saw me from the other side of the room

and you saw me going to the photocopy machine

this is why you made that backward glance

I miss you so much

and my weekend was filled with thoughts of you

I somehow knew that you were thinking of me, too

I want to be held by you one last time

and I want my last memory of you to be special

not like this

quoting Taylor Swift: "...the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now..."

Day 138: And I wonder if I ever cross your mind?

Mood: Sad but Strong

Title Taken from the Song: Need You Now by Lady Antebellum

Date: May 18, 2011

Why is it that I see you when I least expect it?

Every time I see you my heart pops. 

Then I walk away pretending I didn't care

But I liked the fact that when I walk away, the thought of at least seeing you made me happy

because for some reason the universe put us together

in one room 

in one moment

in one second

I do not know what goes through your mind. 

When we don't talk to each other, I miss you so much. 

I need to know that you are okay.

But I can not talk to you even if I desperately want to

Because talking to you would mean going through the same agony I've experienced.

I want to let you go. 

I need to let you go. 

And, if it means being happy for you even if someone else makes you happy, 

Even if it means being happy just by hearing people talk about you

Even if it means being happy just seeing you from afar, 

Then I will suck it up and be happy because you are happy. 

I love you unconditionally.

Even when you were at your meanest. 

Even when you ALWAYS end things the wrong way. 

Even when you can not love me back due to our circumstances. 

I love you unquestioningly. 

I can deny this repeatedly but people will always see this link between us

My heart for you must be on my sleeve for everyone to see. 

I can not deny it anymore. 

I love you unfailingly. 

No matter how hard I try to stop it. 

You simply exist in my heart and mind

All those years of my head browbeating my heart into submission

All those years of my heart silently accepting whatever my mind commands...

They're all gone

My heart has trumped my head this time. 

I don't regret anything. 

I enjoyed every second of having you as part of my life

I am a bit ready to let go of you now. 

I don't need to tell you all these anymore. 

I must admit, in the past, I wanted to say goodbye to you badly. 

Because I wanted to tell you everything. 

I'll just send this message to the world. 

But you will be in my heart forever.

Day 121: This could be the last mistake that I would ever wanna do

Mood:  Numb

Title Taken from the Song: Another Heart Calls by The All-American Rejects (feat the Pierces)

I felt so numb the past few days

and I was proud of myself for being able to forget you

then I realized that you still cross my mind

and I said to myself: "at least, my heart does not seem to care anymore"

But I was wrong. 

My heart does care. 

The only reason it's been numb is because:

I cry myself to sleep everyday

It's been 39 days since the last time I saw you

You disappeared once again

without saying goodbye

I told you that we should stop this game

My broken heart has been shattered to pieces

repeatedly

that it's now unrecognizable

I keep waiting and waiting

for you to say goodbye

and you never do

you run away

from whatever demons you're battling within yourself

and you'll never get over me

because you can never resolve me

One day, when you're ready to come back to me

My heart will be renewed

and made stronger

and I'll heap onto you all the pain and suffering I've experienced 

under your expert heart-breaker hands

By then I will have moved on

and more focused

successful

and you will still be alone in your confused world

i just want you to say what you mean and mean what you say

and have the conviction

and not run away from the intensity

the moment you did what you wanted, 

it felt so strong 

and maybe it was wrong

but the moment it happened it was so right

i am not some jettison you throw overboard just to make your load lighter

and someday you will realize that. 

i will wait for the day when i can slap you in the face

and make you regret all these cat-and-mouse games you've put me through

i will still love you

but it doesn't mean i will have to put up with all the crap you subject me to

Everyday, when I wake up, 

I will function 

and I will get past the feeling of longing

wanting to talk to you

even if it means that I have to cry myself to sleep 

just to do this. 

And you will always have me in your mind

in your heart

in your senses

you will never resolve me

you will always wonder about me

for the rest of your life. 

Day 120: I see nothing worse than to sail this universe without you

Mood:  Heartbroken  

Title Taken From the Song: We Are Stars by the Pierces

We are stars,
Fashioned in the flesh and bone,
We are islands,
Excuses to remain alone,
We are moons,
Throw ourselves around each other,
We are oceans,
Being controlled by the pull of another.

And I just wanna be loved by you,
Yeah I just wanna be loved by you,
I see nothing worse than to sail this universe without you.

When we met,
I was pulling an angel out of a liar,
We forget,
Satisfaction kills our desire,
We are dreamers,
Wishing upon what we were born from,
We made plans,
Kill them ourselves,
And then we mourn them.

And I just wanna be loved by you,
Yeah I just wanna be loved by you,
I see nothing worse than to sail this universe without you.

And I just wanna be loved by you,
Yeah I just wanna be loved by you,
I see nothing worse than to sail this universe without you.
(I just wanna be loved by you)
I see nothing worse than to sail this universe without you.
(I just wanna be loved by you)
I see nothing worse than to sail this universe without you,
Without you.

Day 89: Heart, We Will Forget Him

Heart, we will forget him,
You and I, tonight!
You must forget the warmth he gave,
I will forget the light.

When you have done pray tell me,
Then I, my thoughts, will dim.
Haste! ‘lest while you’re lagging
I may remember him!


- Emily Dickinson

Day 51 (Feb 21): Got You Where I Want You

Mood: Confused
Title Taken from the Song: Got You Where I Want You by The Flys






Right now, I got you where I want you
You saying how sorry you are
Acting like we could just pick up where we left off
But we forgot one little detail: my heart

It's still broken
shattered to pieces
and i can not pretend that the past didn't happen


there will always be this defensive stance
this wall i will surround myself with
this fortress to protect myself

so although this moment is something i have wished to happen
i am too scared to move
to scared to accept this sorta fairytale move of yours
because i know that one of these days you will break my heart again

Day 88: Who do you think you are? Runnin' 'round leaving scars?

Mood: Hopeless 

Song Title Taken From: Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri

I can't believe that I got duped again

Why did I ever believe in you?

I was doing great...

Learning to move on

Swearing to myself I'll never look back

That no matter what happens I will just ignore you

If you ever come up to me

I will just shun you away

But then you always had this charm

This power over me

and I am back to the same thing

The same agony

And now, 

I am like a puppet to your string

I hate this feeling

Of being so dependent on you

If I should Stay or Go

I want to get rid of you

COMPLETELY...

that i can walk away from everything

without looking back

even if you are at your sweetest

your honest 

and your loveliest self

I want to just feel nothing

and forget you like you never existed 

at all

So take all of the sad things in me

Take all of the pain I've experienced

Take all the tears I cried

so that I won't get to be sad again

or to feel pain over you again

or to cry again.

Take your bullshit and leave me alone

Do not ignore me for months

and then come back missing me as a friend

and luring me back to the same thing

and then blowing me off when it is most convenient for you

say what you mean

and mean what you say

Don't act like I forced you to do this

To come back to me

When I have done all I could to stay away from you

and you knew the power you have over me

Just follow through on what you promised to yourself. 

That is: to leave me alone

To forget me

To pretend I don't exist anymore. 

And I will forget you just as easily.